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Don't be late


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"Tris get down here before you miss the bus!  If you're late one more time you'll get suspended."
Tris's eyes flew open to the sound of her mother yelling upstairs to her.  She quickly responded.  
"Just a minute I'll be right down!"
    Hopping out of bed she quickly got dressed.  Neglecting underwear she put on a light green top with a skirt that went to about mid-thigh.  Running a brush through her hair she glanced in a mirror on her way out the bathroom.  She was a 5' 7" brunette with a slightly athletic build and C cup breasts.  Everything seems to be in order so she ran downstairs, drank a glass of orange juice, grabbed a pop tart and a water bottle then went outside to the bus stop.  
    Once on the bus Tris realized she had forgotten to use the bathroom before leaving.  It wasn't a very strong urge but it was still there nevertheless.  She ate her pop tarts and finished the bottle of water on the 15 minute bus ride to school.  When she arrived her best friend Emily was there waiting for her.  
"Hey Tris, almost thought you weren't gonna show up on time again."
"Yea I was cutting it pretty close this morning, I had to run to make it to the bus."
    Tris forgot all about her bladder and chatted with Emily until the bell rand.  Her first class and least favorite class was English.  The teacher always went on and on in the same monotone voice.  She was grateful she was in the back of the class where he didn't pay attention.  Sitting down she remembered her need right away.  Mr. Luckburg was notorious for never letting anyone to the bathroom but she raised her hand anyway.
"May I please go to the restroom Mr. Luckburg?"
"No Tris, class just started you should've went before"
    She was already fidgeting and still had 30 minutes of class left.  The fact she didn't have panties on wasn't helping at all.  Being exposed made her feel cold down there and the skirt wasn't helping any.  The orange juice made itself known in her bladder as class continued.  She couldn't sit still as the bottle of water she'd had made it's way down.  A few of the boys couldn't stop glancing in her direction.  She hoped class would end soon.  
    With class almost over Tris's bladder was way fuller than she usually let it get.  She was actively crossing her legs to stay in control.  "Just a few more minutes" She kept telling herself.  Class finally ended and Tris was still dry but right as she was going to go to the bathroom Emily walked up to her.  
"Hey Tris, you ready for the field trip to the play today?"
"Shit, that was today? I completely forgot."
"Yea its today.  I can't believe you blanked you've been talking about it for weeks."  Emily said slightly worried.  "Lets go to the bus and get seats."
"I need to make a quick stop to the bathroom first.  Save me a spot I'll meat you there."
    Tris walked to the closest bathrooms only to find they were out of order.  The sign on the door said they were remodeling.  Groaning she glanced at a clock and realized she didn't have enough time to make it to the other bathroom.  She almost considered using the men's room but though better of it and just filled her water bottle.  
"Damn it, why do the other bathrooms need to be so far away.  Guess I need to hold for a while longer." She sighs.  "I should probably refill my water bottle while I'm here at least."
    Emily waved to her from the back of the bus.
"Hey, I got us good seats."
"They're gonna kill my bladder though.  I didn't get the chance to pee, the bathrooms were closed."
"That sucks, are you going to be okay?"
"I hope so but I haven't gone since last night."
"Wow you've been holding for a really long time."
"How long is this bus ride again?"
"I think they said it's gonna be 2 hours."
"Damn, I really hope I don't wet myself."
    It was just to hot inside the bus and she was so thirsty that she quickly finished off her water bottle, a choice she would soon regret.  Shortly after the ride began Tris was holding herself as discretely as she could.  Not 15 minutes later she was holding as hard as she could.  She tried moving her legs slightly so could get a better grip when her bladder spasmed.  A short spurt shot out into her skirt.  
"Emily I... I don't think I'm gonna make it.  I just leaked a little."
"I'm sorry I can't do anything to help.  You're already on the window seat and I don't have anything you can pee in."  Emily said with regret.
    The second the words "pee in" left Emily's mouth Tris realized she had a water bottle.  How could she have been so stupid and not thought to pee in it.  She frantically searched for it and showed it to her friend.
"Do you think this is big enough to go inside?"
"I don't know how big you bladder is but that should be fine."
"Great can you keep an eye out for me?  I'm gonna use it quick."
"Yea no problem, I've got you covered."
    Tris lifted up her skirt slightly and moved the mouth of the bottle to her urethra opening.  Emily saw she had no panties on was surprised but made no comment.  Tris had just started peeing when all of the sudden the bus hit a huge bump causing her stream to go everywhere.  
"AHH!  Stupid bus!"
"Move the bottle closer." Emily quickly said.  
Tris quickly readjusted the bottle and was safely peeing into it again.  She kept going and going and right when the bottle was about to overflow she finished.  
"You feel better?" Emily asked.  
"You have no idea."

 

 

This is my first real attempt at writing anything so any feedback is welcomed!  Hope you enjoyed the story. 

Edited by Nikeryda (see edit history)
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I can offer a little bit of feedback and hope it helps.

 "She was already fidgeting and class still had 30 minutes of class left. " - It can make a sentence look and flow better if you don't use the same word twice. It's an opinion that changes from person to person, but I always think a sentence looks weird when a word is repeated.

And little bit more detail about the peeing would be good: What the stream was like? how it felt to finally let go after holding it in for so long? The feelings of having to use a bottle right beside her friend on a bus full of people? These kind of things can be good for helping to get that omo-vibe going.

Overall though, that was a damn good first attempt and I hope you'll keep it up. ^_^

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12 minutes ago, JustCallum said:

I can offer a little bit of feedback and hope it helps.

 "She was already fidgeting and class still had 30 minutes of class left. " - It can make a sentence look and flow better if you don't use the same word twice. It's an opinion that changes from person to person, but I always think a sentence looks weird when a word is repeated.

And little bit more detail about the peeing would be good: What the stream was like? how it felt to finally let go after holding it in for so long? The feelings of having to use a bottle right beside her friend on a bus full of people? These kind of things can be good for helping to get that omo-vibe going.

Overall though, that was a damn good first attempt and I hope you'll keep it up. ^_^

Thank you for the feedback.  I feel the same about repeating the same word.  I though I got rid of that error but guess I missed it.  I will be sure to add mroe detail in future stories too. 

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Hello again, I'm here from your writing advice thread.  Congrats on getting something finished and posted!

Here are a couple of thoughts on the story:

+ I liked the overall structure of the story.  It had good pacing, with not too many or too few things going on.

+ The dialog was a bit stilted.  For instance:

Quote

"Damn it, why do the other bathrooms need to be so far away.  Guess I need to hold for a while longer." She sighs.  "I should probably refill my water bottle while I'm here at least."

This is a little unrealistic, unless Tris talks to herself chronically (which would be a good character detail, but I didn't get the sense that you intended that).  Usually, dialog like this can be either (1) expressed in actions (by, for example, having Tris stare longingly down a hallway towards the nearest open bathroom) or (2) removed entirely.  If neither of those things seems right, you can at least change it from a spoken sentence into an internal monologue.

+ One other gripe about the language:

Quote

Hopping out of bed she quickly got dressed.  Neglecting underwear she put on a light green top with a skirt that went to about mid-thigh.  Running a brush through her hair she glanced in a mirror on her way out the bathroom.

Notice how you use the same little "thing" (I think the technical term is "participial phrase") at the start of the sentence three times in a row.  This isn't always bad (nothing is always bad) but in this case it made the paragraph feel a bit repetitive.

All that said, I also have two general writing tips that are relevant now that you've put something out there.  The first is this: come back to this story in two months, and see what you like and what you would change.  Don't be alarmed if you cringe at every other sentence: that's just how it feels to read your own writing, especially when you're just starting out.  Plus, it means you've improved.  Take what you've learned and see if you can write something better.

And here is the second piece of general advice: take all advice with a grain of salt.  Writing is one of those things that everyone does differently.  For every "master tip" handed down from Stephen King or JK Rowling, there's another author out there who's just as good and who will tell you the exact opposite.  All of the advice you receive, especially the stuff I've thrown down here, is purely suggestion.  Write for you :)

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