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KozmoFox

Ended relationship, and I'm salty.

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So as most of you know, I'm bi. I was dating another girl, who is actually a user on here too actually, and our relationship ended.
 It ended on good terms.

I'm a salty spiteful bitch though. Really don't understand it. I ended it because I didn't feel like it was going anywhere, and I was beginning to show interest in someone else.

She was completely understanding. I ended up getting pretty sad just because, but it was very amicable.

So...why am I so goddamn mad?

Its like I'm making MYSELF angry? Like I remember everything she's ever done to piss me off and I like egg myself on with it until I'm a bitter pile of angry asshole. Maybe my subconscious is trying to justify itself..? I don't know. But for something that went off literally as well as it possibly could have, I still find myself getting very unreasonably upset with a lot of different negative emotions and I honestly think I'm doing it to myself and I don't know how to make it stop.

I even had a date with this new person. I liked it. It was great, I had fun. But it was still bittersweet specifically because of all of this and my pissing myself off is pissing me off.

My salt is making me salty.

I'm a very angry person in general with enough chips on my shoulder to be CEO of Doritos but this is ridiculous even for me.

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Full disclosure: This question took about a month to get approved, I assume Kirito is a bit backed up (which is perfectly fine)

I am now officially seeing the aforementioned new person. It is going well. I'm happier than I was when I asked this, by far.

However, if anybody has some insight that can still be relevant I won't shy away from it, because the salt still exists to an extent.

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On 7/15/2016 at 0:30 AM, KozmoFox said:

Maybe my subconscious is trying to justify itself..? I

I really don't know (and obviously I don't really know you either!), but my very first thought was that it was maybe a subconscious attempt to justify something that, deep down, you feel guilty about? I think it's natural to a certain extent - in a wider context, it's certainly not unusual for folk to do everything that they can to blame someone else for their own failings! This isn't a failing on your part or anyone else's though, it's a decision that you made because it's clearly what you thought was best (and it sounds like it was the right decision). How to deal with it? I don't know that either. I suppose that asking yourself what the bitterness is actually achieving might help - take a step back, think about the positives and the real reasons for the decision that you made.

The main thing, though, is that you're in a much better place now! So there you have it, I've rambled for a short paragraph, not really said much useful, and it doesn't matter anyway. The best way to be :-)

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Feel free to totally disregard this but... 

Perhaps you're feeling bad that she ended the relationship with you on such nice terms. Like, you said it yourself that the relationship wasn't 'bad' as such but just not going anywhere. Perhaps you feel bad for leaving a relationship where there wasn't an obvious reason to leave (eg you weren't arguing constantly) and so if your partner had then totally exploded at you, cried, yelled, it'd justify your reasons for splitting and you would've left without the 'salt'. You might feel a little guilty even, and it's manifesting in the anger you're feeling?

Either way, I wish you well in your new relationship and it sounds like you're settled and happy, so I'd just try and submerge yourself into that happy new couple phase - the more you pay attention to the bitter feelings, I suspect they'll only grow - like feeding fire with fire. I'm sorry if this isn't very good advice..

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In my experience we're all mad for various reasons. Sometimes we don't understand them and, as you have imparted, wonder why on God's green Earth you're mad over something that you shouldn't be mad over because it's just sticking for some reason. And that's annoying. Like, really annoying. You sit and ponder if there's something more to it, and try to sort it out endlessly.

Sometimes there is nothing more to it.

You're (the indefinite article) simply mad because an event happened and you're upset over it. And that is completely normal. Even mutual partings as you have described can still leave you feeling upset. Something you did feel value from is now gone, and that's a loss. Even if you felt it was for your benefit that you let go/gave up/told off/etc, whatever it was.

Now, speaking personally, I have a strong emotional memory. I remember anything and everything that has strong emotions attached to them. And sometimes I still think of things from YEARS ago that no longer matter in any way and I think, "God damn that really pissed me of." And pow, a bit salty. We all remember the things that caused us strong emotions because they remind us of our experiences and the things we learned.

And how they sucked.

Or how they were awesome.

Now, there could be, and may very well be, reasons why you are still upset. From what you've said, it sounds like you lean towards the more passionate end of things, the end that can also mean you can get angry. Like really angry. And that's fine, it's part of who you are. Again, an event happened that you've said was a sad one. Sometimes sadness turns to anger.

Or it may very well be that you're simply mad because you are. Something happened, and you're upset. And there's nothing more to it. From what you've said, it's getting better. Perhaps all you need is time and new, happy memories.

I hope things go well in your new relationship and I'm glad to hear you're happy with it.

Hope this helped, even just a teeny bit.

EDIT: In the time it took me to write this other people managed to drop much better advice. O: We're rooting for you, Kozmo.

Edited by MaverickJsmith
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I think we all come across people or things that make us angry in life.  On the whole an episode happens and it's quickly forgotten.  However our brains are strange things and there's no accounting for it.  Recently I've felt angry about someone I knew 25-30 years ago, despite the fact they've long since ceased to a part of my life and there's absolutely no need for it.  Perhaps the best thing we can do is not to think about the person/thing who makes us angry and focus on life's positives instead.  

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I think you're thinking along the right lines with the "subconscious attempt to justify yourself." It's usually pretty painful to have someone break up with you, and people normally feel really bad about hurting people they care about. Usually, when we're in this position, we have two ways to resolve the feelings of guilt. The first is to make amends, but in the case of a breakup, that's usually not an option. The second is to convince ourselves that the other person deserved it and we have no reason to feel guilty.

 

This, I think, is a big part of the reason that most people hate their exes. If they still deeply loved each other, presumably they wouldn't be exes in the first place, but you don't have to hate someone for it to be worth leaving a relationship with them. Rather, the act of leaving a relationship partner tends to compel us to see the worst in them, to justify our own decisions.

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I am way too late to enter this topic, and it's probably a forgotten thing by now, but I just had to say that wow! I relate a lot to this.

I ended a relationship (my first and only one ever) around August 2016, and we ended it on pretty good terms, but even now, when I think back on it, I get angry. I think I'm mostly angry with myself, but also with him. I get angry when I think of all the times he mistreated me and said awful, awful things, which was like a never ending stream of negativity. Whenever I end up regrettably thinking about him, I get so pissed. I get angry with him, but then with myself. I'm so disappointed in myself, for constantly allowing him (and others) to trample all over me and make my already shitty self esteem into something nonexistent. Makes me wonder why I can't just speak up and defend myself, and actually tell people when they are being too much. Seriously. It's like I'm some kind of extreme masochist who enjoys getting emotionally hurt. :unsure:

Anywho, just a random rant coming through...

 

I hope things are going well with the new person you're dating!

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@Auntie if it means anything, the dynamic has completely changed by now. The ex and I are no longer in good terms, and I've become sick of her. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it, but she was abusive and I was actually kind of scared of her. She kept up her extremely manipulative bullshit after the relationship ended, and not only did that help me see why I started to feel far less for her and far more for someone else, not being tied to that relationship helped me look at it objectively, and holy shit. She was an abusive, emotionally manipulative bully that loved to pick fights. I started avoiding her, as we had a bunch of mutual friends, but the hurt and anger just started growing and growing, especially over a specific incident where I realized everything was far too convenient, stereotypical, and in one area the most classic manipulation lie in the book, LITERALLY in the book my counselor pointed out, that had me realize the time in the relationship she hurt me most she weaved a huge web of manipulation and deceit to get out of it and save face, mostly with the mutuals I imagine. The second I realized it I haven't been able to stomach being in her presence, even online, ever since.

Ignore everything I said above, I dated a fuckin' sociopath and I no longer regret leaving in the slightest.

But things with the new person are going absolutely amazingly! We are both university students, even though she attends one far away from me at the moment...But we've been scheduling study times together and everything!

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6 hours ago, KozmoFox said:

@Auntie if it means anything, the dynamic has completely changed by now. The ex and I are no longer in good terms, and I've become sick of her. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it, but she was abusive and I was actually kind of scared of her. She kept up her extremely manipulative bullshit after the relationship ended, and not only did that help me see why I started to feel far less for her and far more for someone else, not being tied to that relationship helped me look at it objectively, and holy shit. She was an abusive, emotionally manipulative bully that loved to pick fights. I started avoiding her, as we had a bunch of mutual friends, but the hurt and anger just started growing and growing, especially over a specific incident where I realized everything was far too convenient, stereotypical, and in one area the most classic manipulation lie in the book, LITERALLY in the book my counselor pointed out, that had me realize the time in the relationship she hurt me most she weaved a huge web of manipulation and deceit to get out of it and save face, mostly with the mutuals I imagine. The second I realized it I haven't been able to stomach being in her presence, even online, ever since.

Ignore everything I said above, I dated a fuckin' sociopath and I no longer regret leaving in the slightest.

But things with the new person are going absolutely amazingly! We are both university students, even though she attends one far away from me at the moment...But we've been scheduling study times together and everything!

Wow that's intense. It's really fortunate that you ended things before it got too far. And yeah, sometimes it's really hard to look at someone objectively when you're too involved. 

Actually, when I thought more about it, I realized I didn't really end things on such "good terms" with my ex. I mean, he broke up with me first when I didn't feel like going to see him (he lived far away, even in another country.) I admit I lied about being "sick" but still, he felt insecure and probably realized things weren't going anywhere. So I told him "okay if that's what you want." But then he came back, and told me that he regretted breaking up and I said that I really didn't want to deal with his indecisiveness (I was so sick of it all by then) so if he really liked me that much, he should've been okay with being friends. He "agreed" to being friends, but quickly removed me from his contacts on skype, facebook and everywhere else. I REALLY think that was for the best though. If I'd have to keep putting up with his bullshit, I would have gone crazy. 

I'm glad things are working out well for you two! Hopefully, it will last this time. :)

 

 

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