AliasnameTO

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About AliasnameTO

  • Rank
    Dribbling
  • Birthday 05/20/1990

Personal Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Sexual Orientation
    Pansexual
  • Location
    USA
  • Interests
    writing, video games, history, sci-fi/futurism, omo :P

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  1. No writer goes from newb to pro in a day. This one is better than the last, though. I'll focus on grammar, because everything else is built upon knowing how to be understood. "Chitoge was about ready to lose it, Classes seem like they were taking forever today, her next period was lunch." Do you see anything off here? You have words arranged in what's basically three sentences, recognizing that the middle one is a separate thought by capitalizing "Classes." But it's all combined with commas, which makes a run-on or comma-splice. There are ways to make more complex sentences, but it's better to get simple ones down first. Revised: "Chitoge was about ready to lose it. Classes seem[ed] like they were taking forever today. Her next period was lunch." The next two sentences have the opposite problem-- you put a period between them in a way that makes a fragment, which I underlined. " She had [drunk] A LOT. Ranging from Coffee she had at breakfast, Her water bottle, and so on. " The first part is fine. The underlined part, however, needs fixing. You can either combine it with the first somehow, or put a subject in there. An example might be "Her liquids that day ranged from coffee..." and that would fix the grammar. ^^Just some things to chew on. I did like the imagery of her temporarily questioning her sexuality before the urgency overwhelmed her thoughts. And waking up from pee dreams to wetting oneself is always an adorable scenario. :D
  2. Nobody wants to hear this about something they worked hard on, but in an objective sense, the writing here is pretty bad. And that's okay! :) Everyone's writing sucks when they are just starting out, which I get the feeling you are. Here are a few tips that might help. Your first sentence is a run-on. It has too many parts all crammed into one sentence. Try separating it as such: "It was Wednesday morning. Chitoge woke up late. She had had a wet dream (can girls have wet dreams?) about Raku and she was mad that she was interrupted from that dream." But that says nothing about the style. You might have heard the immortal tidbit of writing "Show, don't tell." If the reader is supposed to imagine something, you can't get away with saying it directly. "Chitoge's best friend, Kosaki, was sitting next to her, and wondered what was wrong. " The first part of this is fine. But you are writing from Chitoge's perspective, and she presumably can't read minds. You have to use another way to let us know Kosaki wondered what was wrong. It could be as simple as Kosaki watching her movements and literally asking, "What's wrong?" but it has to be something. Anyway, this should give you a bit to chew on. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. Omorashi is a great motivator and inspiration for the writer's art. :)
  3. I'd say F, not okay. I've never seen a pool without easy bathroom access (or if it's a backyard and you're desperate, go on the ground), and I certainly don't want to swim in people's pee. Ocean, showers, or otherwise where there are no consequences for doing so, fine.
  4. male

    I never would have guessed. Considering those facts I'd say you did a fine job. :)
  5. It is amazing. :D I wish they had included an omo scene (Yuri K. is cool but Yuri Plisetsky would be nice too), but that's a bit too much to ask.
  6. male

    It was very sweet and a well-done scenario. But stylistically, it could use some work. You flip-flop perspectives a few times without warning; there are better ways of showing what Oliver's up to. And on the topic of showing, you could use more. A few times you tell directly what we should think and feel. This dilutes the imagery you've worked hard to build up. Would you think of going more into what Elliot thinks about his situation? The anxiety stuff was very detailed and I imagine you might have some real-life experience. But being 15, he probably would be less than okay with being taken care of so completely. He can understand he needs help sometimes, but might also want to maintain at least a little independence for his personal pride. It might be too academic for a story really built around a pee accident, but you could also use that to set up more wettings. Just some thoughts because I actually did like it a lot and will read a part 2. :)
  7. And as non-moderator advice, could you make some paragraph breaks in them and/or future ones for the love of god? It is horrendous on the eyes to try picking apart that wall.
  8. Cool that it's a guy, too. Male desp stories are too rare. :)
  9. I like fairly intense humiliation as long as it's focused more on the "what will they think of me?" front than the "I'm a piece of crap" kind of shame. And comfort afterwards is ideal.
  10. Beautiful story. The shyness in particular was exquisite. I might have to remember your thought process if I write anymore omo fic, because that's my favorite cause for desperation. I'm also amazed you actually made it! Kudos for not peeing in the pool and I know you would have been devastated to have a visible accident in front of your friends. Everything turned out pretty well.
  11. That story was super hot. I love what you call the "alternative" aesthetic. Especially when they have to go . And it's funny you mention wondering how many others got turned on by it, since I similarly assumed I was the only creeper that would think it was delicious. If you've got any more experiences please share, because this one was a joy to read.
  12. *Intensely* sexy. Consider yourself among the luckiest guys in the world.
  13. female

    I'm trying to think of it from a woman's perspective. The obvious answer for me would be the en suite and just let fly because I don't have to touch anything but the flush handle. :P I would have done what you did, hover and handle the consequences. But it would have been fun to try holding it and fail as well hehe.
  14. female

    Compliments abound from me. Lovely any way you slice it. And so much content with potential to go! Rose might be one of my favorite recurring characters. :D
  15. Great premise. You could have gone into more detail about several scenarios of trying to act things out for people while growing increasingly desperate and embarrassed. And where was the husband? You could have him in the story in a number of ways (so long as he's away from her so he can't help at least hehe.) Overall I liked it. Short and sweet.